Everybody F's
by A.Eelif
Summary: Renji may be a good Lieutenant, but he doesn't know anything about the 'relationship' aspect of the Seireitei. Can his drinking buddies help him understand a little better?


I do not own Bleach, its characters, or any of the settings.

* * *

Hello, I'm going to start off with some warnings.. I guess that's what you could call them. First in the very beginning of the fic there is some Ikka/Yumi sex, but the rest of the time there is just talking about sex. I'm not gonna give away any other couples that will be mentioned because that would ruin the fun! Some of the people may be OOC because I'm not used to writing about some of them.

Also, I want to say that here in the next few days…June 25th…will be the four year anniversary of my surgery to remove my left adrenal gland. It doesn't sound like a big deal I know, but if I hadn't had that surgery my condition (which was Cushing's Syndrome) would have killed me by now! Just thankful to be alive is all. Sorry for talking about myself.

Anyway, read and tell me what you thought. I've never actually written a fic where a group of people were talking. So it may read weird. Whatever you decide about it I will ask that you be professional and polite in your critiques. Also, I know I switch tense a lot, but I just can't fucking help it…so sorry about that.

* * *

It had been a long time since the third and fifth seats of Squad Eleven had their day off together and the two men were taking full advantage of a day with nothing to do but each other. The lovers were sweaty and already entwined in the act of love making on their futon.

"H-harder, Ikkaku!" The black haired man wraps his long, slim legs around the toned waist of his partner as his breathing comes out in quick pants.

Ikkaku does as he's told and increases the force of his thrusting, "Tell me (moan)…how it…how it feels, Yumi!"

Yumichika throws his head back against the pillow with a long, loud groan of ecstasy, "Feels (sigh) so…good! Y-you're so…huge (groan)! I-I still can't…believe (gasp) it all…fits inside me!"

A large face splitting grin erupts across the bald man's face, "Oh, you still (gasp)…know how to flatter…m-me, Yumi!"

"No more…talking, Ikkaku. Save your…(moan) energy for…fucking me!"

Ikkaku finally manages to hit Yumichika's sweet spot making the fifth seat's back arch off the futon, but then suddenly there's a knock on the door. Ikkaku slows his hips as both men look toward the door, "Who the fuck is that?"

Yumichika shakes his head, "I don't know." They hear the knocking again and the violet eyed shinigami frowns, "I can't cum with all that knocking."

"Didn't you tell all your friends that we had the day off?" The third seat keeps up a slow pace of thrusting into his dark haired lover.

Yumichika nods, "Of course I did!"

The knocking sounds again, but the two men ignore it still, "Well, doesn't everyone know what we do when we have the day off?" The fifth seat shrugs as the knocking gets louder making an annoyed growl leave Ikkaku's throat, "Would ya give us a goddamn minute!"

The knocking stops and Yumichika gives his partner a worried look, "Only a minute?"

"Just shut-up, Yumi." The bald man presses his lips to the complaining fifth seat's lips as he resumes his vigorous thrusting, "Cum for me, Yumi! I want you…(gasp) to cum so hard!"

Yumichika lets out a loud cry as the third seat once again slams into his sweet spot, "Make me…cum! I-I (moan)…I want to cum…j-just for (gasp) you!"

"You feel so…(groan) fucking good!" He feels the already snug walls of the fifth seat's ass tighten firmly around him and he watches the contorted look of bliss on Yumichika's face as the dark haired man drenches the skin of their stomachs and chests with his release, "Oh, fuck…you're (gasp) beautiful!"

Immediately after those words, the third seat fills the seizing hole of his lover with his orgasm causing them both to let out sounds of relief. Ikkaku pulls out of his panting partner to flop down beside him on the futon. Yumichika looks at the furious expression on his sweaty friend's face, "What's wrong, babe?"

Ikkaku sits up and wipes the sweat off his bald head with his hand, "I'm gonna kill whoever the prick at the door is! We could be going for round four right now if they weren't out there!" He sits up and places his bare feet on the floor, "I'm gonna give whoever that is a piece of my mind!"

Yumichika quickly sits up and rubs the third seat's shoulders, "No, you shouldn't go. You're too mad right now." The fifth seat stands up and wipes the evidence of their activities from his skin with the sheets, "I'll talk to them and you go wait for me in the shower."

Ikkaku growls, but heads for the bathroom, "Okay, but you better at least flip them off." The bald warrior disappears into the bathroom.

The raven haired man covers himself with a robe and opens the door to see Renji Abarai standing there. The Lieutenant's eyes are down cast and his whole face is as red as his hair from the raunchy sex talk he just heard from his former squad mates.

"Can I help you, Renji or would you rather hear more of mine and Ikkaku's personal activities?"

The redhead looks up when he realizes the person at the door is Yumichika and not an irate Ikkaku. He notices a few purple bruises lining Yumichika's neck and collar bone as well as the fifth seat's sweaty brow making the Lieutenant's face become impossibly redder, "No, I mean I didn't mean to hear, but…um, were you and Ikkaku…"

"Fucking? Yes, we were and you have rudely interrupted us!" The violet eyed Soul Reaper says all this in a matter of fact way with not one ounce of embarrassment.

Renji, on the other hand, is a stuttering mess of humiliation, "Oh, I…uh…I d-didn't know…well, I mean…I h-heard it, but before now I didn't…I didn't know that you and…um…Ikkaku did that."

Yumichika suddenly bursts into a fit of giggles shocking the redhead with his amusement of the situation. When Renji never cracks a smile or joins in on the laughter, the fifth seat stops giggling and gives him an appalled look, "Oh, my…you're serious." The brown eyes of the sixth Lieutenant drop their gaze to the floor as he nods. The fifth seat blinks back his surprise and continues speaking, "How could you not know? Everyone knows that Ikkaku and I are a couple and you used to be in Squad Eleven!"

Renji looks back up at Yumichika's face and gulps nervously, "I don't know…I guess I never put two n' two together."

"Enough of that…why did you come over banging on the door anyway?" The black haired man gestures with his hand for the Lieutenant to hurry up with an answer.

"Right, um…well, we're all going out to the bar a little earlier tonight and I was volunteered to come let you and Ikkaku know." His cheeks turn red again, "I guess I know why I was chosen now. They probably thought it'd be real funny."

Yumichika shifts a little making the robe slip to reveal a bit more of his chest allowing Renji to see a few more scattered bruises there, "First, I have to calm Ikkaku down and then we'll need to clean up, but we'll meet you all there." The redhead nods, but Yumichika stops him from leaving, "Oh and Renji…the next time you know Ikkaku and I have the day off together don't come over because all we do is fuck until time to meet everyone at the bar."

The Squad Six Lieutenant's eyes widen, but the fifth seat disappears behind the door before he can respond. Renji lets out the breath he hadn't even known he'd been holding as he heads toward the bar where Rangiku and Shuhei were probably already waiting.

When Renji finally makes it to the bar, Shuhei and Rangiku immediately notice the weird look on his face. The Ninth Squad Lieutenant is the first of the two to say something, "Dude, you look like you just caught your parents having sex."

The redhead looks down at the table and has a seat with a slight blush dusting his cheeks. Rangiku begins giggling at the expression on Renji's face, "Did you actually walk in on those two doing it?"

Renji's face turns a deep shade of red at the tenth Lieutenant's question, "Not exactly, I just…heard them doing it through the door."

"See, Shuhei…I told you they'd be fucking. That's why I suggested we send Renji." The busty Lieutenant flashes a big smile and takes a sip of her drink.

An angry look crosses Renji's features, "Wait a minute! You two wanted me to discover them fucking?"

Shuhei nods with an amused look on his face, "Of course, you're the only idiot who didn't know." The dark haired man chuckles at the pitiful expression on his tattooed friend's face, "Did Ikkaku come to the door?"

Rangiku laughs loudly interrupting whatever answer Renji may have given, "Obviously Ikkaku didn't come to the door. He's still in one piece isn't he?"

Shuhei nods as he holds back another laugh, "At least you got lucky on that account because he would've come to the door naked."

The two tipsy Lieutenant's burst into loud laughter at the redhead's expense, "That's not funny! It's an invasion of privacy!"

Rangiku calms herself as she addresses Renji again, "Are you stupid or something? Yumichika is loud during sex on purpose. He wants everyone to know that Ikkaku is his property."

The ninth Lieutenant takes another sip of his drink and nods, "I can't believe you didn't know they were together. It's so obvious!"

The tattooed redhead crosses his arms over his chest in frustration, "I don't notice stuff like that."

Shuhei and Rangiku giggle and speak in unison, "Obviously."

The two laughing Lieutenant's are still having the time of their life at Renji's expense when the redhead notices the fornicating shinigami of topic walk into the bar, "Shh, you guys! Here they come!"

The black haired fifth seat makes his way to the group with a smirk on his face, "Oh, please don't stop talking about us just because we walked in." Yumichika sits down and begins laughing with the ninth and tenth Lieutenants, "Can you believe he didn't know that Ikkaku and I are together?"

Rangiku spits out the sake she'd just consumed across the table as another loud laugh erupts from her throat, "I know! What a dummy!"

Shuhei slaps his thighs with his hands as he laughs harder, "Such an idiot!"

"Hey!" An offended expression appears on the redhead's face, "How was I supposed to know that?"

The three 'know-it-all' Soul Reaper's fall into uncontrollable fits of laughter at Renji's humiliated face. Shuhei is the first one to get himself under control and he addresses Yumichika, "Where is Ikkaku? I thought he came in with you."

The fifth seat wipes the tears from the corners of his violet eyes, "He did, but he went straight to the bar. He said he needed some alcohol in his system before he confronted 'the knocker'."

A pouting look replaces the humiliated one on Renji's face, "I said I was sorry! I didn't know!"

His proclamation of ignorance causes them to start laughing again until Ikkaku approaches the group with a frown on his face, "I don't see anything funny about being interrupted during a private moment." They all stop laughing when they see the bald man's serious expression, "But, what a dunce, right?" Ikkaku chuckles as he sits down, "I mean, who doesn't know about me and Yumi?" His chuckle turns into a loud laugh which causes the other three to resume their laughing.

"I don't understand what's so funny about me not knowing one little thing!" He stares angrily at his four 'so called' friends. The laughter finally dies down and Rangiku gives the sixth Lieutenant a skeptical look, "What's that look about?"

"Only one thing that you don't know, huh?" She takes another sip before continuing, "Name one other couple here in the Seireitei that you know about."

The other three shinigami turn their gazes to Renji awaiting his answer, but the redhead just opens and closes his mouth like a fish, "Well…um…there's…no…okay, I don't know!"

They all turn their attention back to Rangiku and she rolls her eyes, "Seriously? You can't name one couple? That's just sad."

"I don't see why I should know this." He notices the others giving him disbelieving looks, "What?"

Ikkaku takes a drink and shakes his head, "This is so easy. Even I know what couple she's talking about."

Shuhei and Yumichika nod in agreement and the fifth seat speaks next, "They've been a couple for centuries and they're Captains."

When the confused look remains on Renji's face the ninth Lieutenant's eyes widen, "Are you serious? You can't guess it from those hints?"

Rangiku lets out a frustrated sigh at Renji's denseness, "You are hopeless, Renji! No wonder Captain Kuchiki always has that sad look on his face if he has to deal with you everyday."

"Well, who is it?" A hurt look appears on the redhead's face at Rangiku's proclamation of his Captain being sad that he's around.

The busty Lieutenant rolls her eyes one more time for good measure, "Everybody knows that Captain Kyoraku and Captain Ukitake have been together since way back during their Academy days."

The Lieutenant of the Sixth Squad shakes his head not wanting to believe what the only female at the table has just told him. He looks around the table and notices the other three men nodding in agreement with Rangiku, "B-but…no!"

Yumichika takes a sip from Ikkaku's drink (he never ordered his own because getting drunk was not at all beautiful) before addressing the shocked Renji, "You don't have a leg to stand on in this argument. It's so obvious with those two and they never try to hide it…not that they should."

"But, how do you guys know that? Maybe, they're just really good friends." Renji's words cause the other four shinigami to begin laughing again making the redhead's cheeks tint pink.

Shuhei interrupts their laughing with his next words, "And, even if it wasn't obvious Rangiku and I know for a fact the two Captain's get down and dirty."

"Oh, that's right!" An excited smile springs to her lips, "I almost forgot about that!" Her blue eyes look intently at Renji, "Do you see Captain Kyoraku over there?"

The redhead turns around to see the eighth Captain drinking sake as if it were water, "Yeah, so what?"

"He leaves the bar every night at one fifteen no matter what he's doing." Her smile widens before she continues, "Shuhei and I were curious as to what was so important."

The ninth Lieutenant breaks into the conversation, "So, we followed him one night and…"

"Wait." Rangiku and Shuhei stop their story to see what Renji wants, "They didn't go?" He points at Ikkaku and Yumichika with a questioning finger.

Ikkaku chuckles, "We had better things to do that night." Yumichika winks at Renji making his cheeks turn a darker shade of pink and the redhead turns his attention back to the ninth and tenth Lieutenant.

Rangiku picks up where Shuhei left off, "We followed him all the way back to Squad Thirteen where he promptly entered Captain Ukitake's home."

Shuhei breaks into the story, "And, I know what you're thinking…maybe, they just talked or had a night cap or tea, but you would be wrong!"

The blue eyed Lieutenant thrusts herself back into the conversation, "You would be so wrong! From what Shuhei and I heard, those two didn't even have time for foreplay before we heard moaning!"

"And screaming!"

"And, trust me…Captain Ukitake is not a docile, quiet bottom!" The two excited Lieutenant's beam proudly at their discovery.

The redhead's eyebrows scrunch together in puzzlement, "How do you know Captain Ukitake bottomed?"

Shuhei and Rangiku give each other knowing looks, but the tenth Lieutenant answers the question, "Oh, please…the requests that he was making were obviously uke requests."

Ikkaku and Yumichika just sit back and enjoy the entertaining show before them as Renji questions something else, "But, Captain Kyoraku is the biggest flirt I know and Captain Ukitake is so hard working and dignified."

Shuhei lets out a snort of amusement before speaking, "Captain Kyoraku would flirt with a piece of paper if he thought it would do him any good, but that's all it is…it's just flirting."

Rangiku nods and adds her two cent to the subject at hand, "And, the harder you work the harder you play. Not to mention, even dignified people get horny too."

The sixth Lieutenant takes a few sips of his drink as he digests this new information, "Okay, but that's only two couples."

Yumichika's eyes widen at this statement, "Only two! Do you really think that out of all the Soul Reaper's here in Seireitei that there are only two couples that get together and fuck?"

"But, I don't know who they are. Isn't that supposed to be private?"

Rangiku laughs at Renji's words, "Private! Who cares about that?" She takes a long gulp of booze before speaking again, "There's a lot you don't know. Sit back and pay attention while we fill you in on what kind of hanky panky goes on around here." She looks around the group, "Hmm, now who should we begin the gossip with?"

The black haired fifth seat grins at the question, "I know, let's begin with someone obvious like Kisuke Urahara."

"Oh, good idea, Yumichika!" Her blue eyes sparkle with the excitement of being able to gossip.

Renji stops them as he raises his hand up to get their attention, "Urahara doesn't live in the Seireitei anymore."

The bald third seat gets an annoyed look on his face, "Who cares? He used to live in the Seireitei and you don't know who he's fucking anyway. So, shut-up and listen!"

The pouting look returns to Renji's face as Rangiku continues, "Anyway, he and Yoruichi Shihoin have been horizontal with each other on more than one occasion when they were both Captains and they even get together some now too!"

Shuhei has a bored look on his face, "That's no secret. Everyone knows that."

"Renji didn't know." Ikkaku smiles at his own comment, "Just look at his shocked face."

Renji's tattooed brows come together in irritation, "Excuse me for not being a nosey gossip like all of you and how could possibly know that?"

"That's an easy one." Her smile brightens, "Girls talk you know and I don't mean talking to Yoruichi."

Yumichika gasps excitedly at where he knows the conversation is going, "You heard it from Captain Soi Fon didn't you?"

She nods as they begin a back and forth discussion completely forgetting the table's other occupants, "Hell yes I did! She is totally lesbo for Yoruichi!"

"But, Yoruichi isn't into women like that which is why Captain Soi Fon hates Urahara!"

"Exactly! She hates him because he's done things to Yoruichi that Captain Soi Fon wishes she could do!"

"Wait!" The redhead halts their very loud conversation, "Is Captain Soi Fon really a lesbian?"

This question causes uproarious laughter to start again from the other four in the group and Shuhei speaks again, "As if you couldn't tell, but she's obviously just lesbian for Yoruichi."

The sixth Lieutenant looks around the table for confirmation from the other two and they nod with certainness on their faces.

Rangiku lets out a bored sigh, "Enough about them let's talk about my Captain."

Before she can begin talking about her Captain, Ikkaku butts into the conversation, "What's there to talk about? Has he even gone through puberty yet? I bet he's still a virgin."

"Of course he is and that's the problem!" The blonde woman drains her cup of its alcoholic content, "He desperately needs to get laid and then maybe he wouldn't be so grumpy all the time."

Shuhei shoots her a knowing look, "In other words, if Captain Hitsugaya were busy with a girl then you could get away with more stuff."

"Duh!" She shakes her head in frustration, "He likes Lieutenant Hinamori, but he acts like a sixth grade boy and won't tell her." She lets out a heavy sigh, "Not that it would do any good if he did tell her because she is still totally head over heels for that douche Aizen. She really needs some therapy."

Shuhei, Ikkaku, and Yumichika all give her patronizing looks and the ninth Lieutenant says what all three of them are thinking, "Well, what about you? You're still in love Gin."

Her mouth drops open in shock, "What? That is not true! I mean, sure we used to fuck, but that was then and this is now." She frowns and crosses her arms over her large breasts.

Renji coughs loudly choking on the sake he'd just swallowed, "You and Ichimaru used to have sex?"

All eyes at the table stare at him and Rangiku looks offended as if the redhead had just insulted her best friend, "I gave him my virginity if you must know!"

The four guys at the table shudder simultaneously at the thought of someone actually having sex with the creepy ex-Captain much less their first sexual experience being with him. Ikkaku lets out a loud sigh, "Can we change the subject to someone else, please?"

A huge, mischievous smile appears on the tenth Lieutenant's face, "I know a couple that's been dating for three months and promised me that they would finally tell their other friend's about it, but has so far failed to bring it up."

All eyes immediately turn in Shuhei's direction making him blush, "Rangiku! You said you wouldn't say anything about that!"

"I haven't said who it is yet." She looks down at the table to escape Shuhei's angry glare.

An interested expression appears on Yumichika's face at finally being able to hear some new gossip, "You're dating someone? Please, tell us who it is!"

The ninth Lieutenant shakes his head, "I'm sure that Renji and Ikkaku don't care about that."

"Yeah, we do." The two mean in question answer in unison.

Before Shuhei can talk them down they hear a familiar voice and they all turn to see Izuru walking their way, "Sorry I'm late, guys but I had to finish some work." Shuhei's blush deepens with Izuru's appearance making the others look back and forth between the two Captainless Lieutenants, "Why are you guys staring at us? Did you tell them about our relationship, Shuhei?"

"No, I did not, but you just did!"

"Oh." Izuru shifts awkwardly as a pink blush creeps onto his cheeks, "I didn't know, but I thought we were going to tell them soon anyway." He smiles nervously, "I like it better now that we don't have to keep it a secret."

Rangiku nods, "I think it's nice to have someone that loves you."

Yumichika nods in agreement, "I think it's beautiful." Ikkaku takes a sip of his drink and rolls his eyes at the fifth seat's comment which results in him getting an elbow to the ribs by said fifth seat.

Shuhei's blush lightens a bit at their acceptance and he looks up at the still standing Izuru. "Hey, babe…since you're still standing up do you think you could get us another bottle of sake?"

The third Lieutenant nods through the blush on his face from Shuhei's term of affection in front of everyone, "Um, sure…I'll be right back."

Shuhei watches his blond boyfriend walk away and then turns back to the group, "It just happened, okay. We were helping each other out because we'd both lost our Captain's. He needed help with some paperwork one night and we just…kissed. It all happened so fast and the next thing I know we're dating!"

Ikkaku grabs Yumichika's hand under the table and looks at the flustered ninth Lieutenant, "You don't have to explain yourself to us." He squeezes the fifth seat's hand gently.

"That's right, Shuhei." The violet eyed shinigami smiles from Ikkaku's attention, "If the two of you are happy then that's all that matters."

Renji quietly sips his sake just listening to the conversation, but Rangiku has a sly expression on her face, "The two of you only kissed? Have you two had sex yet?"

Shuhei takes a quick glance back to see that Izuru is still waiting in line at the bar, "Everything's great except for that! We haven't done it yet because he says he's too nervous." He runs a shaking hand through his dark hair, "Do not let him know I told you that!"

Ikkaku shakes his head, "Psh, three months with no sex…I don't think so. Yumi and I had sex after only knowing each other two weeks."

"Ikkaku! Don't tell them all of our private affairs!"

Shuhei just ignores the fuming Yumichika and continues talking, "Izuru isn't a virgin, but he's only had sex with women. I can understand him being nervous, but I don't know how much longer I can wait!"

Before anyone can offer any advice, the blond man returns with a new bottle of sake and has a seat beside Shuhei, "Why are you guys all being so quiet?" They all shake their heads trying not to give away what Shuhei had just revealed about the couple's sex situation, "You told them we haven't had sex didn't you?"

Knowing better than to lie about it, Shuhei nods, "Sorry, I just needed to talk to someone about it."

Izuru lets out soft sigh, "Well, I suppose it's alright, but why are all of you even talking about stuff like this?"

The group quickly fills Izuru in on the topic at hand and Renji's lack of knowledge about the 'goings-on' in the Seireitei. The tenth Lieutenant finishes the explanation, "And, that's how we got started talking about the two of you."

The third Lieutenant nods his head in understanding as he begins to chuckle and he turns his gaze toward Renji, "You didn't know about all those couples?" His laughter sparks a chain reaction of new laughter from the others.

Renji growls in annoyance, "That's not funny! How is it that if I hang out with all of you I don't know all this stuff and you guys do?"

Rangiku looks at the redhead with a smile on her face, "We all know because we aren't constantly following our Captain around like a little, lost puppy."

Before the sixth Lieutenant can deny this accusation, Ikkaku speaks up, "Yeah, you're always like 'I'm gonna do this for Captain Kuchiki' and 'Captain Kuchiki made me do that' and 'Oh, Captain Kuchiki, can I please pleasure you with my mouth'. Am I right?" The bald third seat bursts into very loud laughter and eventually they all join in.

Renji on the other hand gets a furious expression on his tattooed face, "That's ridiculous! I don't see my Captain that way! Maybe, I said a few things about him, but that's uncalled for!"

Izuru is the first one to control his laughter enough to speak, "It's just a joke, Renji but you do talk about Captain Kuchiki an awful lot."

"How can I not talk about someone I spend all day with?" He glares angrily around the table at the amused shinigami.

Yumichika pushes a strand of black hair behind his ear and returns the redhead's gaze, "That's true, but you're obsessed with Captain Kuchiki."

Rangiku nods, "He's right, Renji. What's the deal? Are you hot for your Captain?"

Renji's brown eyes widen, "No! Why would you think that?"

The busty Soul Reaper shrugs, "I just figured there had to be some reason why you stayed up Captain Kuchiki's ass all the time."

"Maybe, he's trying to please Captain Kuchiki to get to Rukia." Shuhei looks at Renji with curiosity as he waits for a response.

Renji shakes his head frantically, "I don't stay up his ass and I'm not interested in Rukia!"

Rangiku's eyes widen, "So it is Captain Kuchiki!"

"No!" He slams his fists down on the table, "Why do I have to be after either one of them?"

A skeptical look appears on Shuhei's face, "You mean to tell us that you've never slept with Rukia?"

They all look on with interest as Renji's face turns bright red, "Well, we had sex once and it was really great while we were doing it, but afterward it was really awkward. We decided we were better off just being friends." He notices the perverted gleam in Rangiku's blue eyes and answers her next question before she can ask it, "And I do not want to try with Captain Kuchiki!"

Her face falls as she gulps down her sake, "You know I hear that after his wife died Captain Kuchiki turned and now he likes men."

"That's not true! I think I would know if my Captain liked men."

Yumichika laughs softly, "And, how would you know what he does when he's at his manor? Not to mention, I heard that rumor too."

Ikkaku nods, "Me too."

Shuhei and Izuru nod in agreement, but the redhead continues to shake his head in disagreement, "That can't be true…are you sure?"

Shuhei nods again, "Pretty sure. Have you ever seen him with another woman?"

"No, but…" The red haired Lieutenant shakes his head again, "Never mind…can we talk about someone else?"

Rangiku having had too much to drink looks around the group with a devious sparkle in her eyes, "Speaking of people's Captains…" She looks toward Ikkaku and Yumichika making the fifth seat take in a sharp, nervous breath.

"Do not say that! You cannot tell them that!"

Ikkaku's eyes widen as he realizes what Rangiku and Yumichika are talking about, "No, Yumi! Please, tell me you didn't tell her that?"

"I had to tell someone, Ikkaku!"

The other three at the table look at each other in confusion and Izuru finally questions it, "Well, you have to tell us now."

The third seat lets out a worried sigh, "If we tell you guys this then you have to swear on everything in your existence that you won't tell a soul because if Captain Zaraki finds out we told anyone he will kill us!"

"Or worse!" Yumichika bites his thumbnail from the anxiety of just thinking about it.

Shuhei, Izuru, and Renji start to get impatient making the redhead raise his voice, "Just spit it out already!"

Ikkaku stands up and grabs Renji by the lapel pulling him up from the table, "You obviously don't understand the seriousness of the situation!"

"Put him down, Ikkaku!" Yumichika places a hand on Ikkaku's leg, "Everyone is staring."

Ikkaku lets go of Renji and sits back down, "Maybe, you should start the story, Yumi."

The fifth seat nods and takes in a deep breath before beginning, "We were babysitting our Lieutenant and we simply asked where the Captain was and she said he had a visitor."

"So we obviously wanted to know who it was." Ikkaku licks his lips nervously, but continues, "She said it was…" He stops and looks at his lover who gives him a nod of encouragement, "She said it was…Captain Unohana."

Audible gasps can be heard around the table, but Yumichika takes up the telling of the tale, "Naturally, we assumed the Captain was ill, but according to Yachiru he was just fine."

Ikkaku picks up the story from this point, "We found out that Captain Unohana visits our Captain at least three times a week!"

"We asked why Captain Unohana came over so much and Yachiru said she didn't really know because they didn't let her stay." Yumichika takes a large gulp of Ikkaku's sake before continuing, "Because the two Captains were playing 'adult games'."

Ikkaku watches the face's of his friends turn to surprised looks of curiosity, "Me and Yumi knew what was going on, but the Lieutenant didn't and we thought that maybe she was confused, but the next day the Captain came to visit me and Yumi."

"And, the Captain said that if we ever told anyone about his 'relationship' with Captain Unohana he would… he would…well, it was so unbeautiful that I can't repeat it." He looks at the third seat for help.

"He said that he would chop our dicks off and feed them to us!" He glares around the table, "And, I enjoy my dick so I trust that none of you will spread this around!"

They all agree to keep the information to themselves with a nod and finally Rangiku breaks the silence, "But, I thought the Fourth and Eleventh Squads hated each other or had some dumb rivalry or something."

Shuhei interjects before either Squad Eleven member can speak, "Apparently, that doesn't matter if you're horny."

Ikkaku and Yumichika are quiet for a moment as they think about Shuhei's response and finally they both speak at the same time, "Well said."

They all sip their drinks without saying much until Izuru speaks up, "Oh, I know a couple and you'll never believe it." Once the third Lieutenant has their attention he continues, "You know those two loud, arguing third seats in the Thirteenth Squad…doing it!"

The other five shinigami at the table display horrified expressions at this new information. Renji is the first to speak after their trauma, "I'm kinda scared to ask how you know that."

Izuru clears his throat, "Well, I was in Squad Four because of a training injury and Kiyone was there to visit her sister, but Isane wasn't there at the moment…anyway, Sentaro came in and they were arguing about something dumb like who would make the Captain's tea, but the next thing I know is that they're in an empty room and the noises I heard were definitely sex noises…they argue during 'that' too."

The busty Lieutenant finally breaks the awkward moment with her very loud voice, "Well, I think that's enough discoveries for one night, but I do want to note that it is one fifteen and Captain Kyoraku is exiting the bar."

They all turn to see that the eighth Captain is in fact leaving. The group of shinigami finish their sake and begin saying their good byes. Izuru speaks first, "I'm ready to go, Shuhei…if you know what I'm saying."

An overjoyed expression appears on his scarred face, "Do you mean that…" Izuru nods before his boyfriend finishes his sentence, "Then let's go…see you guys later." Shuhei places his money on the table and practically pulls Izuru's arm out of socket trying to get the blond to a more private area.

Ikkaku and Yumichika stand up as well and the bald man speaks as he places his money on the table, "We're gonna head home too…there's something I need to 'do' before I go to bed." He takes Yumichika's hand and they leave the bar.

Rangiku and Renji place their fair share of money for the bill down and stand up as well. Rangiku smiles at the redhead, "You can't say you didn't learn anything, huh?"

"That's for sure…the night was interesting."

She laughs, "I'd better get going otherwise my Captain will have already gone to bed before I get the chance to annoy him." The two Lieutenants wave their good byes and Renji leaves the bar as well.

Throughout the next few weeks, the redhead discovers that everything his drinking buddies had told him was true except for one thing he still wasn't sure about. As he limps to Squad Four after just being Senbonzakura'd, he still wasn't sure if Captain Kuchiki didn't like men or if he just didn't like drunk ones showing up at odd hours propositioning him.

The End.

Started: 6/6/2012

Finished: 6/21/2012

* * *

Finished! Even though it took me forever! Tell me what you thought and as always, Love Ya!

P.S. I have nothing against lesbians I just don't like Soi Fon.


End file.
